{"id":398,"date":"2020-11-17T18:10:35","date_gmt":"2020-11-17T18:10:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/dd\/dd\/?p=398"},"modified":"2020-11-18T17:29:15","modified_gmt":"2020-11-18T17:29:15","slug":"relationship-success","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/?p=398","title":{"rendered":"Relationship Success"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Respect each other<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

When I got married I asked some of the older and wiser folks around me for a couple quick words of relationship advice from their own marriages to make sure my wife and I didn\u2019t shit the (same) bed. I think most newlyweds do this \u2014 ask for relationship advice, I mean, not shit the same bed part \u2014 especially after a few cocktails from the open bar they just paid way too much money for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, of course, not being satisfied with just a few wise words, I had to take it a step further.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See, I have access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my site. So why not consult them? Why not ask them for their best relationship\/marriage advice? Why not synthesize all of their wisdom and experience into something straightforward and immediately applicable to any relationship, no matter who you are or how sick of his\/her shit you are?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why not crowdsource THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE TO END ALL RELATIONSHIP GUIDES\u2122 from the sea of smart and savvy partners and lovers here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, that\u2019s what I did. I sent out the call the week before my wedding: anyone who has been married for 10+ years and is still happy in their relationship, what lessons would you pass down to others if you could? What is working for you and your partner? And if you are divorced, what didn\u2019t work previously?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The response was overwhelming. Almost 1,500 people replied, many of whom sent in responses measured in pages, not paragraphs. It took almost two weeks to comb through them all, but I did. And what I found stunned me\u2026
\nThey were incredibly repetitive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s not an insult or anything. Actually, it\u2019s kind of the opposite. Not to mention, a relief. These were all smart and well-spoken people from all walks of life, from all around the world, all with their own histories, tragedies, mistakes and triumphs\u2026
\nAnd yet they were all saying pretty much the same dozen things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which means that those dozen or so things must be pretty damn important\u2026 and more importantly, they work. Here\u2019s what they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— 1. Be Together For the Right Reasons<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon\u2019t ever be with someone because someone else pressured you to. \nI got married the first time because I was raised Catholic and \nthat\u2019s what you were supposed to do. Wrong. I got married the second \ntime because I was miserable and lonely and thought having a loving \nwife would fix everything for me. Also wrong. Took me three tries to \nfigure out what should have been obvious from the beginning, the \nonly reason you should ever be with the person you\u2019re with is because \nyou simply love being around them. It really is that simple.\u201d\n\u2013 Greg<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Before we even get into what you should do in your relationship, let\u2019s start with what not to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I sent out my request to readers for advice, I added a caveat that turned out to be illuminating. I asked people who were on their second or third (or fourth) marriages what they did wrong. Where did they mess up?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By far, the most common answer was \u201cbeing with the person for the wrong reasons.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some of these wrong reasons included:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pressure from friends and family.\nFeeling like a \u201closer\u201d because they were single and settling for \nthe first person that came along\nBeing together for image \u2014 because the relationship looked good \non paper (or in photos), not because the two people actually \nadmired each other. Being young and naive and hopelessly in love \nand thinking that love would solve everything.<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
As we\u2019ll see throughout the rest of this article, everything that makes a relationship \u201cwork\u201d (and by work, I mean that it is happy and sustainable for both people involved) requires a genuine, deep-level admiration for each other. Without that mutual admiration, everything else will unravel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The other \u201cwrong\u201d reason to enter into a relationship is, like Greg said, to \u201cfix\u201d yourself. This desire to use the love of someone else to soothe your own emotional problems inevitably leads to codependence, an unhealthy and damaging dynamic between two people where they tacitly agree to use each other\u2019s love as a distraction from their own self-loathing. We\u2019ll get more into codependence later in this article, but for now, it\u2019s useful to point out that love, itself, is neutral. It is something that can be both healthy or unhealthy, helpful or harmful, depending on why and how you love someone else and are loved by someone else. By itself, love is never enough to sustain a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 2. Have Realistic Expectations About Relationships and Romance<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other \nevery single day for the rest of your lives, and all this \u2018happily \never after\u2019 bullshit is just setting people up for failure. They \ngo into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Then, \nthe instant they realize they aren\u2019t \u2018gaga\u2019 anymore, they think \nthe relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! \nThere will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren\u2019t \nall mushy-gushy in-love. You\u2019re even going to wake up some morning \nand think, \u201cUgh, you\u2019re still here\u2026.\u201d That\u2019s normal! And more \nimportantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because that, too, \nwill change. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you\u2019ll look \nat that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you\u2019ll \nlove them so much you think your heart can\u2019t possibly hold it all \nand is going to burst. Because a love that\u2019s alive is also \nconstantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and \ndeepens. It\u2019s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it \nwill be, and it shouldn\u2019t be. I think if more couples understood that, \nthey\u2019d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce.\u201d\n\u2013 Paula<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Love is a funny thing. In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb in the name of their emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational. We all know that guy (or girl) who dropped out of school, sold their car and spent the money to elope on the beaches of Tahiti. We all also know that that guy (or girl) ended up sulking back a few years later feeling like a moron, not to mention broke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s unbridled love. It\u2019s nature\u2019s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person \u2014 probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, \u201cGod gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other\u2019s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few years at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover\u2019s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens \u2014 yeah, that mostly goes away. It does for everybody. So, once it\u2019s gone, you need to know that you\u2019ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
True love \u2014 that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy \u2014 is a choice. It\u2019s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It\u2019s a commitment to a person who you understand isn\u2019t going to always make you happy \u2014 nor should they! \u2014 and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That form of love is much harder. Primarily because it often doesn\u2019t feel very good. It\u2019s unglamorous. It\u2019s lots of early morning doctor\u2019s visits. It\u2019s cleaning up bodily fluids you\u2019d rather not be cleaning up. It\u2019s dealing with another person\u2019s insecurities and fears and ideas, even when you don\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHappily Ever After doesn\u2019t exist. Every day you wake up and decide \nto love your partner and your life \u2013 the good, the bad and the ugly. \nSome days it\u2019s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest \nperson in the world.\u201d\n\u2013 Tara<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Many people never learn how to breach this deep, unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. This is a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional \u2014 you will love your partner as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them as long as they give to you. You will make them happy as long as they make you happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This conditionality prevents any true, deep-level intimacy from emerging and chains the relationship to the bucking throes of each person\u2019s internal dramas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 3. The Most Important Factor in a Relationship is Not Communication, But Respect<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat I can tell you is the #1 thing, most important above all else \nis respect. It\u2019s not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion \nor lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won\u2019t feel love \nfor your partner. That is the truth. But you never want to lose respect \nfor your partner. Once you lose respect you will never get it back.\u201d\n\u2013 Laurie<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
As we scanned through the hundreds of responses we received, my assistant and I began to notice an interesting trend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
People who had been through divorces and\/or had only been with their partners for 10-15 years almost always talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And there is some merit to that (which I\u2019ll get to later).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But we noticed that the thing people with marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years talked about most was respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication, no matter how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable, and feelings will always be hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another, the fact that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another \u2014 often more than you each believe in yourselves \u2014 and trust that your partner is doing his\/her best with what they\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Without that bedrock of respect underneath you, you will doubt each other\u2019s intentions. You will judge their choices and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMy husband and I have been together 15 years this winter. I\u2019ve thought \na lot about what seems to be keeping us together, while marriages around \nus crumble (seriously, it\u2019s everywhere\u2026 we seem to be at that age). \nThe one word that I keep coming back to is \u201crespect\u201d. Of course, \nthis means showing respect, but that is too superficial. Just showing \nit isn\u2019t enough. You have to feel it deep within you. I deeply and \ngenuinely respect him for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, \nhis intelligence, and his core values. From this respect comes \neverything else \u2013 trust, patience, perseverance (because sometimes \nlife is really hard and you both just have to persevere). I want to \nhear what he has to say (even if I don\u2019t agree with him) because I \nrespect his opinion. I want to enable him to have some free time \nwithin our insanely busy lives because I respect his choices of how \nhe spends his time and who he spends time with. And, really, what \nthis mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, \nmost intimate selves with each other.\u201d\n\u2013 Nicole<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
You must also respect yourself. Just as your partner must also respect his\/herself. Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner. You will be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. You will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which will just backfire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Respect for your partner and respect for yourself are intertwined. As a reader named Olov put it, \u201cRespect yourself and your wife. Never talk badly to or about her. If you don\u2019t respect your wife, you don\u2019t respect yourself. You chose her \u2013 live up to that choice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So what does respect look like?
\nCommon examples given by many readers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
NEVER talk shit about your partner or complain about them to your friends. \nIf you have a problem with your partner, you should be having \nthat conversation with them, not with your friends. Talking bad \nabout them will erode your respect for them and make you feel worse \nabout being with them, not better.\nRespect that they have different hobbies, interests and perspectives \nfrom you. Just because you would spend your time and energy \ndifferently, doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s better\/worse.\nRespect that they have an equal say in the relationship, that you \nare a team, and if one person on the team is not happy, then the team \nis not succeeding.\nNo secrets. If you\u2019re really in this together and you respect \none another, everything should be fair game. Have a crush on \nsomeone else? Discuss it. Laugh about it. Had a weird sexual fantasy \nthat sounds ridiculous? Be open about it. Nothing should be off-limits.<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Respect goes hand-in-hand with trust. And trust is the lifeblood of any relationship (romantic or otherwise). Without trust, there can be no sense of intimacy or comfort. Without trust, your partner will become a liability in your mind, something to be avoided and analyzed, not a protective homebase for your heart and your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 4. Talk Openly About Everything, Especially the Stuff That Hurts<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe always talk about what\u2019s bothering us with each other, not \nanyone else! We have so many friends who are in marriages that \nare not working well and they tell me all about what is wrong. \nI can\u2019t help them, they need to be talking to their spouse about \nthis, that\u2019s the only person who can help them figure it out. \nIf you can figure out a way to be able to always talk with your \nspouse about what\u2019s bugging you then you can work on the issue.\u201d\n\u2013 Ronnie\n\n\u201cThere can be no secrets. Secrets divide you. Always.\u201d\n\u2013 Tracey<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I receive hundreds of emails from readers each week asking for life advice. A large percentage of these emails involve their struggling romantic relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(These emails, too, are surprisingly repetitive.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A couple years ago, I discovered that I was answering the vast majority of these relationship emails with the exact same response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTake this email you just sent to me, print it out, and show it to your partner. Then come back and ask again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This response became so common that I actually put it on my contact form on the site because I was so tired of copying and pasting it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity \u2014 trust your partner to go off on their own, don\u2019t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But trust goes much deeper than that. Because when you\u2019re really talking about the long-haul, you start to get into some serious life-or-death shit. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These are hard things to do. And they\u2019re even harder to think about early on in a relationship. Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. It\u2019s like, \u201cOh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money\u2026 I think.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s an old Ben Folds song where he sings, \u201cIt seems to me if you cannot trust, you cannot be trusted.\u201d Distrust has a tendency to breed distrust. If your partner is always snooping through your stuff, accusing you of doing things you didn\u2019t do, and questioning all of your decisions, naturally, you will start to question their intentions as well \u2014 Why is she so insecure? What if she is hiding something herself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If something is bothering you, say something. This is important not \nonly for addressing issues as they arise, but it proves to your partner \nthat you have nothing to hide.\nThose icky, insecure things you hate sharing with people? Share them \nwith your partner. Not only is it healing, but you and your partner \nneed to have a good understanding of each other\u2019s insecurities and \nthe way you each choose to compensate for them.\nMake promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild \ntrust after it\u2019s been broken is through a proven track record over time. \nYou cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes \nand set about correcting them.\nLearn to discern your partner\u2019s own shady behavior from your own \ninsecurities (and vice-versa). This is hard and will likely \nrequire confrontation to get to the bottom of. But in most \nrelationship fights, one person thinks something is \ncompletely \u201cnormal\u201d and the other thinks it\u2019s really \ngrade-A \u201cfucked up.\u201d It\u2019s often extremely hard to distinguish who is\n being irrational and insecure and who is being reasonable and \nmerely standing up for themselves. Be patient in rooting out what\u2019s \nwhat, and when it\u2019s your big, gnarly insecurity (and sometimes it will \nbe, trust me), be honest about it. Own up to it. And strive to be better.<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 5. A Healthy Relationship Means Two Healthy Individuals<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cUnderstand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT the \njob of your spouse. I am not saying you shouldn\u2019t do nice things for \neach other, or that your partner can\u2019t make you happy sometimes. I am \njust saying don\u2019t lay expectations on your partner to \u201cmake you happy.\u201d \nIt is not their responsibility. Figure out as individuals what makes \nyou happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that \nto the relationship.\u201d\n\u2013 Mandy<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
A lot is made about \u201csacrifices\u201d in a relationship. You are supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wants and needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is some truth to that. Every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the problem is when all of the relationship\u2019s happiness is contingent on the other person and both people are in a constant state of sacrifice. Just read that again. That sounds horrible. It reminds me of an old Marilyn Manson song, \u201cShoot myself to love you; if I loved myself, I\u2019d be shooting you.\u201d A relationship based on sacrifices cannot be sustained, and will eventually become damaging to both individuals in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShitty, codependent relationships have an inherent stability \nbecause you\u2019re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate \nthe other person\u2019s bad behavior because they\u2019re tolerating yours, \nand neither of you wants to be alone. On the surface, \nit seems like \u201ccompromising in relationships because that\u2019s what \npeople do,\u201d but the reality is that resentments build up, and \nboth parties become the other person\u2019s emotional hostage against \nhaving to face and deal with their own bullshit (it took me 14 \nyears to realize this, by the way).\u201d\n\u2013 Karen<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keyword here: \u201cindividuals.\u201d That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is why attempting to control your partner (or submitting control over yourself to your partner) to make them \u201chappy\u201d ultimately backfires \u2014 it allows the individual identities of each person to be destroyed, the very identities that attracted each person and brought them together in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDon\u2019t try to change them. This is the person you chose. They were \ngood enough to marry so don\u2019t expect them to change now.\u201d\n\u2013 Allison\n\n\u201cDon\u2019t ever give up who you are for the person you\u2019re with. It will \nonly backfire and make you both miserable. Have the courage to be \nwho you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. \nThose are the two people who fell in love with each other \nin the first place.\u201d\n\u2013 Dave<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
But how does one do this? Well, it\u2019s a bit counterintuitive. But it\u2019s something hundreds and hundreds of successful couples echoed in their emails\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 6. Give Each Other Space<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBe sure you have a life of your own, otherwise it is \nharder to have a life together. What do I mean? Have \nyour own interests, your own friends, your own support \nnetwork, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, \nbut not being identical should give you something to \ntalk about and expose one another to. It helps to expand \nyour horizons as a couple, but isn\u2019t so boring as both \nliving the exact same life.\u201d\n\u2013 Anonymous<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Among the emails, one of the most popular themes was the importance of creating space and separation from one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
People sung the praises of separate checking accounts, separate credit cards, having different friends and hobbies, taking separate vacations from one another each year (this has been a big one in my own relationship). Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms or even separate bedrooms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This comes from a lack of trust and\/or insecurity that if we give our partner too much space, they will discover they don\u2019t want to be with us anymore. Generally, the more uncomfortable we are with our own worthiness in the relationship and to be loved, the more we will try to control the relationship and our partner\u2019s behaviors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
BUT, more importantly, this inability to let our partners be who they are, is a subtle form of disrespect. After all, if you can\u2019t trust your husband to have a simple golfing trip with his buddies, or you\u2019re afraid to let your wife go out for drinks after work, what does that say about your respect for their ability to handle themselves well? What does it say for your respect for yourself? I mean, after all, if you believe a couple after-work drinks is enough to steer your girlfriend away from you, you clearly don\u2019t think too highly of yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGoing on seventeen years. If you love your partner enough you will \nlet them be who they are, you don\u2019t own them, who they hang with, \nwhat they do or how they feel. Drives me nuts when I see women not \nlet their husbands go out with the guys or are jealous of other women.\u201d\n\u2013 Natalie<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
— 7. You and Your Partner Will Grow and Change in Unexpected Ways; Embrace It<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOver the course of 20 years we both have changed tremendously. We \nhave changed faiths, political parties, numerous hair colors and \nstyles, but we love each other and possibly even more. Our grown \nkids constantly tell their friends what hopeless romantics we are. \nAnd the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a fuck \nabout what anyone else says about our relationship.\u201d\n\u2013 Dotti<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
One theme that came up repeatedly, especially with those married 20+ years, was how much each individual changes as the decades roll on, and how ready each of you have to be to embrace the other partner as these changes occur. One reader commented that at her wedding, an elderly family member told her, \u201cOne day many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person, make sure you fall in love with that person too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It logically follows that if there is a bedrock of respect for each individual\u2019s interests and values underpinning the relationship, and each individual is encouraged to foster their own growth and development, that each person will, as time goes on, evolve in different and unexpected ways. It\u2019s then up to the couple to communicate and make sure that they are consistently a) aware of the changes going on in their partner, and b) continually accepting and respecting those changes as they occur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Now, you\u2019re probably reading this and thinking, \u201cSure, Bill likes sausage now, but in a few years he might prefer steak. I can get on board with that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No, I\u2019m talking some pretty serious life changes. Remember, if you\u2019re going to spend decades together, some really heavy shit will hit (and break) the fan. Among major life changes people told me their marriages went through (and survived): changing religions, moving countries, death of family members (including children), supporting elderly family members, changing political beliefs, even changing sexual orientation and in a couple cases, gender identification.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Amazingly, these couples survived because their respect for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen you commit to someone, you don\u2019t actually know who you\u2019re \ncommitting to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea \nwho this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. \nYou have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself \nif you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or \nnot-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them \nat some point are going to either change or go away.\u201d\n\u2013 Michael<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
But this isn\u2019t easy, of course. In fact, at times, it will be downright soul-destroying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which is why you need to make sure you and your partner know how to fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 8. Get Good at Fighting<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe relationship is a living, breathing thing. Much like the body \nand muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. \nYou have to fight. You have to hash things out. Obstacles make \nthe marriage.\u201d\n- Ryan <\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
John Gottman is a hot-shit psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analyzing married couples and looking for keys to why they stick together and why they break up. Chances are, if you\u2019ve read any relationship advice article before, you\u2019ve either directly or indirectly been exposed to his work. When it comes to, \u201cWhy do people stick together?\u201d he dominates the field.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What Gottman does is he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Notice: he doesn\u2019t ask them to talk about how great the other person is. He doesn\u2019t ask them what they like best about their relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He asks them to fight. Pick something they\u2019re having problems with and talk about it for the camera.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And from simply analyzing the film for the couple\u2019s discussion (or shouting match, whatever), he\u2019s able to predict with startling accuracy whether a couple will divorce or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But what\u2019s most interesting about Gottman\u2019s research is that the things that lead to divorce are not necessarily what you think. Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces (or breakups). He has gone on and called these \u201cthe four horsemen\u201d of the relationship apocalypse in his books. They are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Criticizing your partner\u2019s character (\u201cYou\u2019re so stupid\u201d vs \n\u201cThat thing you did was stupid.\u201d)\nDefensiveness (or basically, blame shifting, \n\u201cI wouldn\u2019t have done that if you weren\u2019t late all the time.\u201d)\nContempt (putting down your partner and making them feel inferior.)\nStonewalling (withdrawing from an argument and ignoring your partner.)<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
The reader emails back this up as well. Out of the 1,500-some-odd emails, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing with conflicts well.
\nAdvice given by readers included:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Never insult or name-call your partner. Put another way: hate \nthe sin, love the sinner. Gottman\u2019s research found that \n\u201ccontempt\u201d \u2014 belittling and demeaning your partner \u2014 is the \nnumber one predictor of divorce.\nDo not bring previous fights\/arguments into current ones. This \nsolves nothing and just makes the fight twice as bad as it was \nbefore. Yeah, you forgot to pick up groceries on the way home, \nbut what does him being rude to your mother last Thanksgiving \nhave to do with anything?\nIf things get too heated, take a breather. Remove yourself from \nthe situation and come back once emotions have cooled off a bit. \nThis is a big one for me personally, sometimes when things get \nintense with my wife, I get overwhelmed and just leave for a \nwhile. I usually walk around the block 2-3 times and let myself \nseeth for about 15 minutes. Then I come back and we\u2019re both a bit \ncalmer and we can resume the discussion with a much more \nconciliatory tone.\nRemember that being \u201cright\u201d is not as important as both people \nfeeling respected and heard. You may be right, but if you are \nright in such a way that makes your partner feel unloved, then \nthere\u2019s no real winner.<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
But all of this takes for granted another important point: be willing to fight in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think when people talk about the necessity for \u201cgood communication\u201d all of the time (a vague piece of advice that everyone says but few people seem to actually clarify what it means), this is what they mean: be willing to have the uncomfortable talks. Be willing to have the fights. Say the ugly things and get it all out in the open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was a constant theme from the divorced readers. Dozens (hundreds?) of them had more or less the same sad story to tell:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut there\u2019s no way on God\u2019s Green Earth this is her fault alone. \nThere were times when I saw huge red flags. Instead of trying to \nfigure out what in the world was wrong, I just plowed ahead. I\u2019d \nbuy more flowers, or candy, or do more chores around the house. \nI was a \u201cgood\u201d husband in every sense of the word. But what I \nwasn\u2019t doing was paying attention to the right things. She wasn\u2019t \ntelling me there wasn\u2019t a problem but there was. And instead of \nsaying something, I ignored all of the signals.\u201d\n\u2013 Jim<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
— 9. Get Good at Forgiving<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen you end up being right about something \u2013 shut up. You can \nbe right and be quiet at the same time. Your partner will already \nknow you\u2019re right and will feel loved knowing that you didn\u2019t \nwield it like a bastard sword.\u201d\n\u2013 Brian\n\n\u201cIn marriage, there\u2019s no such thing as winning an argument.\u201d\n\u2013 Bill<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
To me, perhaps the most interesting nugget from Gottman\u2019s research is the fact that most successful couples don\u2019t actually resolve all of their problems. In fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: people in lasting and happy relationships have problems that never completely go away, while couples that feel as though they need to agree and compromise on everything end up feeling miserable and falling apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To me, like everything else, this comes back to the respect thing. If you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it\u2019s inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over it. The key here is not changing the other person \u2014 as the desire to change your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both them and yourself) \u2014 but rather it\u2019s to simply abide by the difference, love them despite it, and when things get a little rough around the edges, to forgive them for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cEveryone says that compromise is key, but that\u2019s not how my \nhusband and I see it. It\u2019s more about seeking understanding. \nCompromise is bullshit, because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, \nlosing little pieces of themselves in an effort to get along. \nOn the other hand, refusing to compromise is just as much of a \ndisaster, because you turn your partner into a competitor \n(\u201cI win, you lose\u201d). These are the wrong goals, because they\u2019re \noutcome-based rather than process-based. When your goal is to \nfind out where your partner is coming from \u2013 to truly understand \non a deep level \u2013 you can\u2019t help but be altered by the process. \nConflict becomes much easier to navigate because you see more \nof the context.\u201d\n\u2013 Michelle<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve written for years that the key to happiness is not achieving your lofty dreams, or experiencing some dizzying high, but rather finding the struggles and challenges that you enjoy enduring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A similar concept seems to be true in relationships: your perfect partner is not someone who creates no problems in the relationship, rather your perfect partner is someone who creates problems in the relationship that you feel good about dealing with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But how do you get good at forgiving? What does that actually mean? Again, some advice from the readers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When an argument is over, it\u2019s over. Some couples went \nas far as to make this the golden rule in their relationship. \nWhen you\u2019re done fighting, it doesn\u2019t matter who was right \nand who was wrong, it doesn\u2019t matter if someone was mean \nand someone was nice. It\u2019s over. It\u2019s in the past. And you \nboth agree to leave it there, not bring it up every month \nfor the next three years.\nThere\u2019s no scoreboard. No one is trying to \u201cwin\u201d here. \nThere\u2019s no, \u201cYou owe me this because you screwed up the \nlaundry last week.\u201d There\u2019s no, \u201cI\u2019m always right about \nfinancial stuff, so you should listen to me.\u201d There\u2019s \nno, \u201cI bought her three gifts and she only did me one favor.\u201d \nEverything in the relationship is given and done \nunconditionally \u2014 that is: without expectation or manipulation.\nWhen your partner screws up, you separate the intentions from the \nbehavior. You recognize the things you love and admire in your \npartner and understand that he\/she was simply doing the best \nthat they could, yet messed up out of ignorance. Not because \nthey\u2019re a bad person. Not because they secretly hate you and \nwant to divorce you. Not because there\u2019s somebody else in the \nbackground pulling them away from you. They are a good person. \nThat\u2019s why you are with them. If you ever lose your faith in that, \nthen you will begin to erode your faith in yourself.<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
And finally, pick your battles wisely. You and your partner only have so many fucks to give, make sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBeen happily married 40+ years. One piece of advice that \ncomes to mind: choose your battles. Some things matter, \nworth getting upset about. Most do not. Argue over the little \nthings and you\u2019ll find yourself arguing endlessly; little things \npop up all day long, it takes a toll over time. Like Chinese \nwater torture: minor in the short term, corrosive over time. \nConsider: is this a little thing or a big thing? Is it worth \nthe cost of arguing?\u201d\n\u2013 Fred<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
— 10. The Little Things Add Up to Big Things<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIf you don\u2019t take the time to meet for lunch, go for a walk \nor go out to dinner and a movie with some regularity then you \nbasically end up with a roommate. Staying connected through \nlife\u2019s ups and downs is critical. Eventually your kids grow \nup, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery and \nyour parents will die. When that happens, guess who\u2019s left? \nYou got it\u2026 Mr.\/Mrs. Right! You don\u2019t want to wake up 20 years \nlater and be staring at a stranger because life broke the \nbonds you formed before the shitstorm started. You and your \npartner need to be the eye of the hurricane.\u201d\n\u2013 Brian<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Of the 1,500 responses I got, I\u2019d say about \u00bd of them mentioned at some point or another one simple but effective piece of advice: Don\u2019t ever stop doing the little things. They add up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Things as simple as saying, \u201cI love you,\u201d before going to bed, holding hands during a movie, doing small favors here and there, helping with some household chores. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat (seriously, someone said that) \u2014 these things all matter and add up over the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The same way Fred, married for 40+ years, stated above that arguing over small things consistently wears you both down, \u201clike Chinese water torture,\u201d so do the little favors and displays of affection add up. Don\u2019t lose them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: put the marriage first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cChildren are worshipped in our culture these days. Parents \nare expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best \nway to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy \nand happy marriage. Good kids don\u2019t make a good marriage. A \ngood marriage makes good kids. So keep your marriage the \ntop priority.\u201d\n\u2013 Susan<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Readers implored to maintain regular \u201cdate nights,\u201d to plan weekend getaways and to make time for sex, even when you\u2019re tired, even when you\u2019re stressed and exhausted and the baby is crying, even when junior has soccer practice at 5:30AM the next day. Make time for it. It\u2019s worth it.
\nOh, and speaking of sex\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 11. Sex Matters\u2026 A Lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAnd you know how you know if you or her are slipping? \nSex starts to slide. Period. No other test required.\u201d\n\u2013 Anonymous<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
I still remember back in college, it was one of my first relationships with a cute little redhead. We were young and naive and crazy about each other. And, because we happened to live in the same dorm, we were banging like rabbits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was everything a 19-year-old male could ask for.  Then after a month or two, we hit our first \u201crough patch\u201d in the relationship. We fought more often, found ourselves getting annoyed with each other, and suddenly our multiple-times-per-day habit magically dried up. And it wasn\u2019t just with her, but with me. To my surprised adolescent male mind, it was actually possible to have sex available to you yet not want it.  It was almost, like, sex was connected to emotions. For a dumb 19-year-old, this was a complete shocker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That was the first time I discovered a truth about relationships: sex is the State of the Union. If the relationship is good, the sex will be good. You both will be wanting it and enjoying it. When the relationship is bad \u2014 when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions \u2014 then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was reiterated to me hundreds of times in the emails. The nature of the sex itself varied quite a bit among couples \u2014 some couples take sexual experimentation seriously, others are staunch believers in frequency, others get way into fantasies \u2014 but the underlying principle was the same everywhere: both partners should be sexually satisfied as often as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships. That when things are a bit frigid between them or that they have some problems going on, a lot of stress, or other issues (i.e., kids), they even go so far as to schedule sexy time for themselves. They say it\u2019s important. And it\u2019s worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few people even said that when things start to feel stale in the relationship, they agree to have sex every day for a week. Then, as if by magic, by the next week, they feel great again.
\nCue the Marvin Gaye tunes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 12. Be Practical, and Create Relationship Rules<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere is no 50\/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, \nvacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, \ndinner making, money making, etc. The sooner everyone \naccepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have \nthings we like to do and hate to do; we all have \nthings we are good at and not so good at. TALK to \nyour partner about those things when it comes to \ndividing and conquering all the crap that has to get \ndone in life.\u201d\n\u2013 Liz<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Everyone has an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves. Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together. Both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving (although not all at the same time).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then there\u2019s how relationships actually work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Messy. Stressful. Miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you\u2019re in a perpetual state of talking to a wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it\u2019s for the simple reason that they\u2019re comprised of imperfect, messy people \u2014 people who want different things at different times in different ways and oh, they forgot to tell you? Well, maybe if you had been listening, asshole.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The common theme of the advice here was be pragmatic. If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day-to-day parenting duties. If the wife\u2019s standard of cleanliness looks like a Home & Garden catalog, and the husband has gone six months without even noticing the light fixture hanging from the ceiling, then it makes sense that the wife handles more of the home cleaning duties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s economics 101: division of labor makes everyone better off. Figure out what you are each good at, what you each love\/hate doing, and then arrange accordingly. My wife loves cleaning (no, seriously), but she hates smelly stuff. So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? Me. Because I don\u2019t give a fuck. I\u2019ll eat off the same plate seven times in a row. I couldn\u2019t smell a dead rat even if it was sleeping under my pillow. I\u2019ll toss garbage around all day. Here honey, let me get that for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship. This sounds cheesy, but ultimately, it\u2019s practical. To what degree will you share finances? How much debt will be taken on or paid off? How much can each person spend without consulting the other? What purchases should be done together or do you trust each other to do separately? How do you decide which vacations to go on?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have meetings about this stuff. Sure, it\u2019s not sexy or cool, but it needs to get done. You\u2019re sharing a life together and so you need to plan and account for each person\u2019s needs and resources.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One person even said that she and her husband have \u201cannual reviews\u201d every year. She immediately told me not to laugh, but that she was serious. They have annual reviews where they discuss everything that\u2019s going on in the household that they like and don\u2019t like and what they can do in the coming year to change it. This sort of stuff sounds lame but it\u2019s what keeps couples in touch with what\u2019s going on with each other. And because they always have their fingers on the pulse of each other\u2019s needs, they\u2019re more likely to grow together rather than grow apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
— 13. Learn to Ride the Waves<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI have been married for 44 years (4 children, 6 grandchildren). \nI think the most important thing that I have learned in \nthose years is that the love you feel for each other is \nconstantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and \nsatisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your \nspouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you\u2019re \nscreaming at each other. It\u2019s like a roller-coaster ride, \nups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long \nenough the downs become less severe and the ups are more \nloving and contented. So even if you feel like you could \nnever love your partner any more, that can change, if you \ngive it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need \nto be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. \nWhen you do that it makes a world of difference.\u201d\n\u2013 Chris<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Out of the hundreds of analogies I saw these past few weeks, one stuck with me. A nurse emailed saying that she used to work with a lot of geriatric patients. And one day she was talking to a man in his late-80s about marriage and why his had lasted so long. The man said something like, \u201crelationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them.\u201d Upon asking him to explain, he said that, like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs \u2014 some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship \u2014 people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTwo years ago, I suddenly began resenting my wife for \nany number of reasons. I felt as if we were floating along, \ndoing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, \nbut not sustaining a real connection. It deteriorated \nto the point that I considered separating from her; \nhowever, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, \nI could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. \nI knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. \nI bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise \nwould pass as suddenly as it had arrived. Fortunately, it \ndid and I love her more than ever. So the final bit of wisdom \nis to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you \nhave been happy for such a long period, that is the case \nfor good reason. Be patient and focus on the many aspects \nof her that still exist that caused you to fall \nin love in the first place.\u201d\n\u2013 Kevin<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019d like to take a moment to thank all of the readers who took the time to write something and send it to me. As always, it was humbling to see all of the wisdom and life experience out there. There were many, many, many excellent responses, with kind, heartfelt advice. It was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, I could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Exercises like this always amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice on something, you expect to receive thousands of different answers. But in both cases now, the vast majority of the advice has largely been the same. It shows you how similar we really are. And how no matter how bad things may get, we are never as alone as we think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. But once again, a reader named Margo did it far better than I ever could. So we\u2019ll end with Margo:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou can work through anything as long as you are not destroying \nyourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially \nor spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock \neach other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why \nyou fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often).\nWrite love letters to each other often. Make each other first. \nWhen kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making \nthem the only focus of your life\u2026 do not forget the love that \nproduced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed \nthem love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. \nBring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. \nDon\u2019t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. \nBoth of you should assume it\u2019s up to you so that you are both \nworking on it. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and\ntaking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make \nit fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your \npartner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when \nyou are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit \nof the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of \neach other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it \nthrough conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counseling \nnow before you need it so that you are both open to working on \nthe relationship together. Disagree with respect to each other\u2019s \nfeelings. Be open to change and accepting of your differences.\"<\/code><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
— Mark Manson —<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I got married I asked some of the older and wiser folks around me for a couple quick words of relationship advice from their own marriages to make sure […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":399,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-398","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=398"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/398\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/399"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}