{"id":454,"date":"2021-01-21T13:05:44","date_gmt":"2021-01-21T13:05:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/dd\/dd\/?p=454"},"modified":"2021-01-21T13:15:28","modified_gmt":"2021-01-21T13:15:28","slug":"toxic-habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/d2fpc.com\/?p=454","title":{"rendered":"Toxic Habits"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Many habits are basically trial-and-error, and if you\u2019re like most people, it\u2019s mostly error.<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Many toxic relationship habits are baked into our culture and we end up accepting them as normal. These are some of the worst ones. There\u2019s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, we get taught the biology of sex, the legal ins and outs of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be an ass-face. Without clear ideas from adults, what we\u2019re left with is basically trial-and-error, and if you\u2019re like most people, it\u2019s mostly error.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the problems is that a lot of unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love \u2014 you know, that dizzying and irrational kind that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing \u2014 and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are encouraged to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as achievements or prizes rather than someone to share mutual emotional support. A lot of the self-help literature out there isn\u2019t helpful either. And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren\u2019t the best examples either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately, there\u2019s been a lot of psychological research published in the past few decades about healthy and happy relationships , and there are some general principles that keep popping up that most people are unaware of (or if they do know them, they don\u2019t follow them). In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered \u201cromantic\u201d or \u201cnormal\u201d in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal but are actually toxic and harming what you hold dear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Relationship Scorecard<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is It?: The \u201ckeeping score\u201d phenomenon is when someone you\u2019re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call \u201cthe relationship scorecard,\u201d where the relationship devolves into a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who is most indebted to the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You were an asshole at Cynthia\u2019s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there\u2019s not a week that goes by that you\u2019re not reminded of it. But that\u2019s OK, because that time you caught your partner sending flirtatious text messages to a co-worker immediately cancels the opportunity to indulge in some useful jealousy, so it\u2019s kind of even, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why It\u2019s Toxic: The relationship scorecard is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue by focusing on previous wrongs, but you\u2019re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling bad in the present. If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they\u2019re less culpable than the other, rather than solving what caused the present issue. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What To Do Instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that\u2019s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and that now she got sad and ignored you today have nothing to do with each other, so don\u2019t bring it up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s crucial to understand that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don\u2019t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting your partner. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dropping \u201cHints\u201d and Other Passive-Aggression<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is It?: Instead of saying something outright and out loud, a partner tries to nudge the other in the right direction of figuring it out. Instead of saying what\u2019s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off, so you\u2019ll then feel justified in complaining to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Why It\u2019s Toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing anger or insecurity within a relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop \u201chints\u201d if they feel like they won\u2019t be judged or criticized for honesty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What To Do Instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to those feelings, but that you\u2019d love to have their support. If they love you, they\u2019ll almost always be able to offer that support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Holding the Relationship Hostage<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is It?: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you\u2019ve been cold to them, instead of saying, \u201cI feel like you\u2019re being cold sometimes,\u201d they will say, \u201cI can\u2019t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why It\u2019s Toxic: Holding the relationship hostage amounts to emotional blackmail and creates tons of unnecessary drama. Even the smallest hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It\u2019s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely without it threatening the entire future of the relationship. Without that freedom to be honest, a couple will suppress their true thoughts and feelings leading to the creation of an environment of distrust and manipulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What To Do Instead: It\u2019s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them\u2013that\u2019s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. You can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. You can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by them once in a while. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Blaming Your Partner for Your Own Emotions<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is It?: Let\u2019s say you\u2019re having a crappy day and your partner isn\u2019t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive about it\u2013maybe they\u2019ve been on the phone all day with some people from work, or they got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but your partner has plans to go out and see friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As your frustration with your day\u2013and your partner\u2019s reaction to it\u2013increases, you find yourself lashing out for being so insensitive and callous toward you. Sure, you never asked for emotional support, but your partner should just instinctually know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why It\u2019s Toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is selfish and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), this can easily lead to a codependent relationship. Everything \u2014 even down to reading a book or watching TV \u2014 must be negotiated. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it now you have to make each other feel better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The biggest problem about codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once in a while because she\u2019s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that\u2019s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I\u2019m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What To Do Instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs in turn. There\u2019s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made by choice and not because that\u2019s what\u2019s expected. As soon as both people in a relationship become responsible for each other\u2019s moods and downswings, it gives them both an incentive to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Displays of \u201cLoving\u201d Jealousy<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is It?: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person and then you proceed to take that anger out on your partner and attempt to control their behavior. This often leads to insano behaviors such as hacking into your partner\u2019s email account, looking through their text messages while they\u2019re in the shower, or even following them around town and showing up unannounced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why It\u2019s Toxic: It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection, figuring, incorrectly, that if their partner isn\u2019t jealous then that somehow means they don\u2019t love them enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is absolutely clownshit crazy. Rather than being loved enough, it\u2019s actually just controlling and manipulative. And by transmiting a message of a lack of trust in the other person, it creates unnecessary drama and discord. Worst of all, it\u2019s demeaning. If my partner cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I\u2019m either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either case, that\u2019s a woman I do not want to be with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What To Do Instead: Completely trust your partner. It\u2019s a radical idea, I know, because some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness, and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Without fixing that jealousy, you are only going to push your partner away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Buying the Solutions to Relationship Problems<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Is It?: Whenever a major conflict or issue comes up in a relationship, instead of solving it, you cover it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere. (Or worse\u2014like getting married.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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My parents were experts at this one. And it got them real far: a big fat divorce, and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why It\u2019s Toxic: Not only does buying stuff brush the real problem under the rug (where it will always re-emerge, and even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the \u201ctraditional\u201d gendered situation as an example. Let\u2019s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend\/husband, the man \u201csolves\u201d the issue by buying the woman a gift or taking her to a fancy restaurant. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. What\u2019s the result of all this? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels unheard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What To Do Instead: Deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity, regret, or to reaffirm the commitment. But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason\u2013you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

— Mark Manson —<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Many toxic relationship habits are baked into our culture and we end up accepting them as normal. These are some of the worst ones. 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