I can’t believe how great these batteries are. First of all, they look really nice. I actually felt kind of bad putting them in the little TV, because then you have to actually pop the cover off just to have a look at them. So what I did was take a picture of the batteries and put it in my wallet so I can just open that up and look at them whenever I want to cheer myself up.
Second, they fit perfectly. I mean, what are the chances that they would just fit exactly right inside that little TV’s battery compartment? Got to be, like, 1 in 10, but look at that, they fit perfectly. It’s as if the battery compartment were made precisely to hold that exact size of batteries or vice-versa. Amazing…!
Third, they make the thing turn on! Try turning it on with no batteries in it, and, blah, nothing. Silence. Boo! But put these batteries in, and as long as you follow the little diagram that shows which way they go in, the thing turns on when you hit the on switch! I mean, again, what are the chances? I was actually so impressed that I bought the company, like when Victor Kiam bought Remington after using one of their electric shavers. Okay, to be honest, I didn’t buy the company, because I kind of low-balled on my offer. They wanted a lot more than fifty bucks. A LOT more. But I tried, didn’t I…? In the end, I figured I could just pretend that I bought the company and moved its headquarters into my living room.
I wrote ENERGIZER BATTERIES COMPANY on a piece of plywood using a fat grease pencil, nailed it above the door, and started answering my phone… “Energizer Batteries”. But my wife kind of flipped out, made me take the sign down, spackle over the holes and now she won’t let me answer the phone anymore. Of course none of that has dampened my enthusiasm one bit!
— Jim Guy —
This is funny… very, very funny.